It’s no wonder men and women can have a hard time understanding each other in conversation!
Deborah Tannen points out in her book, “You Just Don’t Understand”:
Men are often inclined to focus on jockeying for status in conversation: Is the other person trying to one-up me or put me down? Is the other trying to establish a dominant position?
Women are more often attuned to the negotiation of connections: Is the other person trying to get closer or pull away?
Since both elements are present, it’s easy for women and men to focus in different elements in the same conversation”.
John Gray says, “Women show their love by doing a lot of little things all the time for their partner, thinking this will make him feel loved because that’s how she feels loved. Her brain is set up to be able to focus on a lot of little things at a time and not on just on big thing.
A man does one or two big things for his partner thinking that will make her feel loved. His brain is set up to focus on one big thing at a time.
Men and women need to understand and accept their differences in order to love and be loved.
Imagine women have a love tank similar to a gas tank in a car. It needs to be filled over and over again. Doing many little things (and scoring many points) is the secret for filling a woman’s love tank. A women feels loved when her tank is full. A woman cannot appreciate the big things a man does for her unless he is also doing a lot of little things too. Doing a lot of little things fulfills her primary needs to feel cared for, understood, and respected. She is then able to respond with greater love, trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement.”
This is a mix of things taken from John Gray’s book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus (first addition), mixed in with some things from The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, M.D., Marshall Rosenbergs NVC, and from me.
Ways to love woman:
When you first see her (morning and evening) give her a hug or a kiss or both
Ask her how her day was (just listening and being *empathetic, not trying to fix anything)
Give her a flower or flowers for no reason (as well as on special occasions)
Plan a date with her
Compliment her on how she looks
When she’s upset, *validate her feelings (don’t defend yourself)
Always take her side when she’s upset with someone else (don’t defend the other person)
When you are running late, call her to let her know
Whenever her feelings have been hurt, give her some empathy and tell her “ I’m sorry you feel hurt.” Then be silent; then be silent and just hold her if she let’s you without defending or offering solutions.
When you need space, let her know you just need space to think about things and that you will be back. When you’ve cooled off and you come back, talk about what was bothering you in a respectful, non-blaming way, so she doesn’t imagine the worst. (women make up worst case scenario stories )
When she talks to you, give her your full attention. If you absolutely can’t, then tell her when you can
When she is busy doing things, ask her what you can do to help.
Let her know when you are leaving and when you leave give her a kiss and/or a hug.
Call her from work to ask how she is or to share something exciting or to tell her “I love you”
Tell her you love her at least once a day
Shower before sex and brush your teeth and perhaps put on a cologne she likes
Offer to give her a back, head or foot massage
Be *affectionate with her, without being sexual
When holding hands stay connected by not letting your hand go limp
Create occasions when you can both dress up
Pay more attention to her than others when in public
Buy her little presents ie: small box of chocolates or something you know she likes
Write her little love notes from time to time and leave them somewhere she will notice
Drive slowly and safely, respecting her preferences.
Treat her in ways you did at the beginning of the relationship
Make a “fix it” list with her and offer to fix something. If you can’t do it or find someone who can. Do this weekly or monthly. Don’t let the list get to long.
Open the door for her
Offer to carry things for her
Show interest in what she does during the day. The people she talks to or books she’s reading.
Ask her how she is feeling. Then respond with *empathy if she’s not happy or fine.
Verbally say “Thank you” when she does something for you
Apologize without defending your position, just be silent and empathetic if need be
When she gets her hair done take notice
Don’t answer the phone when sharing intimate moments or if she is sharing vulnerable feelings.
Negotiate in a manner that shows her that you want her to get what she wants too.
When having a discussion, notice when your voice goes up in volume and say you need to pause, and that you’d like to discuss this later, because you want to hear her and find a win/win solution, but you are triggered right now and can’t, but will try again after a pause.
Ask her if there is anything she’d like to add or delete from this list! J
*Empathetic: looking at her in the eyes and showing signs that you hear and feel what she is saying by making sounds like: hmmm or ahh or ohhh. No comments about what you think she should do or should have done or try to fix anything. Just listen.
*Validating feelings: Say: “You seem really upset” and then just listen, without taking ownership of her feelings. Just let her get hers out. Then maybe see what else she is needing or wanting. (not by taking the blame for what she’s feeling, because feelings are just a sign post to what she’s needing). Reassurance, support, appreciation, more love? Then give it to her if you can or if you can’t say yes or no without making her feel wrong.
*Affectionate: touch her in a soothing, relaxing way, hold her hand or give it a little light squeeze
Ways to love a man:
If he makes a mistake don’t say “ I told you so” or offer advice
If he disappoints you, don’t punish him
If he gets lost while driving don’t make a big deal out of it
If he forgets to pick something up you, don’t make a big deal about it
When you’ve hurt him, try to be understanding and apologize
When you ask him for support and he says no… understand, accept his limitations and don’t feel hurt or rejected. Don’t get angry at him. Find another healthy way to get support. Ideally call a girlfriend (remember women are more naturally empathetic. It can often be a huge stretch for a man)
Respectfully ask for support without being demanding
When he withdraws, don’t make him feel guilty or chase after him. Give him space, knowing it’s how he deals with emotions
When he apologizes for a mistake, receive it with loving acceptance and forgiveness
When he asks you to do something that you can’t, don’t give a list of why you can’t, just say I can’t. If you can do it later say so.
When you can do what he asks, stay in a good mood about it
Be happy to see him
Notice when he does things for you and appreciate it
When you are upset with him, go away to center yourself and come back more centered with a loving heart. Hopefully with clarity on what you’re needing so you can make a specific doable request.
Enjoy having sex with him. If need be show him or tell him what you’d like
Be tactful and kind when expressing disapproval
Share negative feelings in a centered way without blaming, rejecting or being disapproving of him.
Don’t give driving advice
Ask for his support for what you are needing rather than dwelling on what he’s done wrong
Ask him what he’d like to add or delete from this list!
Let me know if their is anything else you think should be added to this list. Contact me
Anger and resentment is the biggest killer of relationships. We need to understand these emotions better, and get at the root cause so we can be proactive instead of reactive. Then we can be healthier within ourselves and within our relationships.
We tend to think that situations or people make us angry, but it’s our judgements about what is happening is the real cause!
Anger is just a by product of our thinking. The good news if we focus on what the unmet needs are it will help us let go of the anger, so we can then find ways to met those needs.
We are far more likely to get our needs met by being calm and clear (proactive) then if we stay connected with and act from anger (reactive).
Marshall Rosenburg PhD shows us how in one of his little booklets called “The Surprising Purpose of Anger. Beyond Anger Management: Finding the Gift
He points out the following:
People or events may spark your anger but your own judgments are it’s cause
Judging others as “wrong” prevents you from connecting with your unmet needs
Getting clear about your needs helps you identify solutions satisfying to everyone
Creating strategies focused on meeting your needs transforms anger into positive actions
Marshall Rosenberg is the founder and educational director of the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC). He travels throughout the world mediating conflict and promoting peace. www.CNVC.org
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a powerful process for inspiring compassionate connection and action. Training in NVC can help facilitate communication and prevent conflict by helping everyone get their needs met. This time-tested, practical process works equally well in education, business and industry, social services, political conflict, as well as in families and personal relationships
I was wondering how long this relationship was going to last!
If they would have had the understanding that they have different relationship styles and different plan styles and how to manage that, they may not be where they are at now. This information could help them heal their relationship.
So here are the stats: Johnny is the “Football Relationship Style” meaning he likes stability and ease in relationship. Vanessa is the “Basketball Relationship Style”, meaning she likes stimulation and a lot going on in relationship.
Johnny is the “Pencil Plan Style” meaning he likes to go with the flow. Vanessa is the “Pen Plan Style”, meaning she likes to have a plan.
So, you could imagine how having these differences and not knowing them, could create a lot of conflict in any relationship.
Oh, I meant to also mention, they both have a low tolerance for stress….and conflict can be exhausting!
The glue of this relationship is/was their “Heart Chemistry”….which is the same towards each other. When they met, I bet it felt like they’d known each other for centuries.
The “Physical Chemistry” is out of balance, but their “Movement Chemistry” is playful and friendly.
I’m a romantic. I’m holding out hope for them, meaning I’m hoping they get in touch with me so they have a higher chance of making this relationship work, if they choose to.
Did you know that arguments are “tragic expressions of unmet needs”?
“We are far more likely to get our needs met if we tell people what we need instead of evaluating them” says Marshall Rosenberg, who developed and teaches NVC (non-violent communication).
It’s crucial to our own health and the health of our relationships to figure out what are the unmet needs we fighting for and then be able to discuss that with our partner without arguing.
See if you can find your most common argument centered around one of your basic unmet needs from the list below.
Here are our 9 Basic Needs (according to Rosenberg):
1. Sustenance (food, shelter, water)
2. Safety
3. Love
4. Empathy
5. Rest (recreation/play)
6. Communication
7. Creativity
8. Autonomy
9. Meaning/Purpose (need to contribute to life and people in a meaningful way)
Once we identify the need we can then and only then find strategies to meet that need. So cool!
NVC is just one of the tools I use in helping people have more love in their lives!
Here’s a couple of interesting Male/Female differences:
1. According to Simon Baron-Cohen, PhD, author of The Essential Difference: Male and Female Brains and the Truth About Autism, men’s neurological wiring tends to make them better at systems, while women are superiorly rigged for empathy.
2. Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, PhD, notes: “The two brain hemispheres are less well connected in men than in women. This gives men the ability to focus on one thing at a time and be very goal oriented, whereas the female brain is built to assimilate many feelings at once.
Read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Understanding-the-Male-Brain#ixzz1eN27k8Lb
I feel understanding, compassion, acceptance and forgiveness for ourselves and our partners is the “work” of relationship. It’s how we get to a place of peace and love within ourselves and towards others. Sometimes easy, sometimes EXTREMELY challenging….but it is a discipline that makes us feel good.
It doesn’t mean tolerating abuse….but we can apply it to abusive people, so that we can be free of our anger and resentment that we can tend to hold onto, which only hurts us.
I’ve learned I only have control over how I act and feel. I still have a lot to learn, but I know that with love and peace the journey of our lives are much more enjoyable.
I believe giving and receiving love is what we are here for….and most clearly what I’m here for. To learn love, to teach love, to BE love, as best I can… more often than not.
