8 Mistakes Men & Women Make in Arguments

March 20, 2015

Relationship Expert, John Gray share’s these tips about how to avoid fights in your relationship:

8 mistakes MEN make in an argument

1. Aggressive tone or loud voice
Men can care so much about being right that they don’t realize that they often sound threatening and overwhelming.

2. Condescending comments
Phrases like, “Don’t worry about it.” or “It’s not a big deal.” are big mistakes because it does not acknowledge her feelings.

3. Interrupting her with arguments that invalidate her feelings or correct her observations
A typical comment would be “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Instead of taking time to reflect and saying something like, “I understand you think that…”

4. Expressing frustration with the pace of the argument
This is when a man will say in frustration, “Why do we have to go over this again and again.” A better approach is for a man to say, “I have to take a time out so I can better absorb what it is you are saying.”

5. Offering solutions rather than asking more questions
This goes back to everything I teach men. It is such a common pattern for men: rather than listening, they offer solutions. He might think he is being helpful, but to her, he is simply being dismissive.

6. Having to get in the final word
Whatever she says, her man comes back with, “So once again everything has to be the way, everything you want to be such a big deal.” Statements like these often stem from a male’s sense of frustration that his partner has more accomplished verbal skills. Getting in the final word is simply taking a verbal swipe that says, “I refuse to let you think that you have won this argument.”

7. Tit for tat
When she complains, you raise her complaint with more complaints of your own. Chalk it up to a man’s competitive nature, but in truth, it’s no way to make peace and move beyond your argument.

8. Giving in to what she wants, but with the message that you are doing so even though she is being unreasonable
This is no way to make peace. All this approach will accomplish is to set both of you up for future fights.

8 mistakes women make in an argument

1. Raising your voice with emotion
Try to resist the temptation of being accusing, mocking, or sarcastic.

2. Using rhetorical questions
Avoid asking questions like, “How could you say something like that?” Try to express what you do like and accept. For example, “I understand and agree with that, but…”

3. Making generalized complaints
Saying things like “We never spend time together.” or “You’re not doing the things that you said you would do.” are not specific enough for men. In general men do not respond to the abstract as well as the specific. Give examples of what he has done if you want to be heard. Give direction with such comments as, “Let’s plan a date to go out this week.”

4. Expecting him to respond like a woman instead of a man.
Try not to say things like “Why can’t you speak from your heart?” or, “You’re not opening up to me.”  Try to say things like, “I understand that it is difficult for you to open up about this,” or, “I know you want to solve the problem, but right now I just need you to hear me.”

5. Bringing up old issues
Don’t muddy the waters with past arguments and points of disagreement. Stay with the issue you are dealing with at the moment otherwise you run the risk of having your partner turning off his hearing all together.

6. Comparing him to another man or how he acted in the past
Never compare him to another man unless you want the fight to escalate quickly. Even more confusing for him are comments like, “You used to be so much more affectionate.” Instead make a positive statement and give him a model of behavior you want him to follow. For example, “I love it when you….”

7. Expecting him to make you feel good
Women need to take the responsibility to feel good on their own, especially after a fight or argument. Do not say things like, “Well that doesn’t make me feel any better.” Try instead to say, “I think I’ll take some time for myself and go play some tennis, or do some shopping, or take a walk.”

8. Controlling the conversation.
These are the times when your mate feels like he is facing a tsunami of issues without having a chance to stand up and explain things from his perspective. You’re never going to come to a satisfactory conclusion in any argument until both sides feel they have had a chance to express themselves.

Wishing you peace…..Patty and John 😉